Seriously, Sir Patrick is Shakespearean-trained, and been in countless adaptations of the Bard’s plays. He’s starred in several excellent movies (including Excalibur), done voice roles for many wonderful animated films (including the English dub of Studio Ghibli’s Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind), been Professor X in two excellent good X-Men films (and one bad one), and starred as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the beloved Star Trek: The Next Generation TV series and movies (where he may have run around with space vampires, but at least they had their clothes on). Sir Patrick’s many, many good works unfortunately make the bad roles he’s chosen even more perplexing and unfortunate. This list of a few of these mistakes is by no means in order, just a compilation of head-scratching acting choices for a guy who’s been knighted.

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com!

American kids have never earned a Christmas gift — they know goddamned well that no matter how bad they’ve been all year, there’s still probably an iPod with their name on it come December 25th. There’s a reason you don’t see that same sense of self-entitlement in German kids, and that reason is Krampus, the Christmas Demon.

While smug American children sleep easy knowing the old “lump of coal” threat is empty and baseless, many naughty European children are annually threatened with a Pagan Fertility Demon from deepest, darkest hell — a goat-legged, horned satyr who won’t leave coal as much as he will beat them savagely for their misdeeds and then drag them to hell (it’s somewhat more effective). So, let’s get to know Mr. Krampus, the Child-Eating Holiday Hellbeast, shall we?

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com!

Or maybe it’s because you’re old, ugly, and nobody has ever loved you and nobody ever will.

Regardless of the reason, many of the more jolly individuals often choose to berate people for their inability to embrace the Christmas cheer, but there are a number of people that should get a free pass to be as grouchy as they like this time of year. People such as… CLICK HERE to read more!

#5. Jews

Do you remember when you were little, and the rich kid had a birthday party that was bound to be a badass extravaganza complete with a bouncehouse, petting zoo, and the entire cast of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers? Now imagine instead of “the rich kid” it was God himself having a birthday party, and literally EVERYONE in your entire goddamn town is invited but you.

He may be a little preachy, but you gotta hand it to him, the man knows how to throw a party

Now you may be saying, “But what about Hanukkah? I mean, that’s an eight day long celebration.” Listen, comparing Christmas to Hanukkah is like comparing the day you win the lottery to Shark Week. Sure, Shark Week’s great, and it’s something to look forward to, but no one’s too broken up about missing a couple days. The simple fact of the matter is Hanukkah will never be able to stack up with the the feasts, and gifts of Christmas, because if you’ve ever eaten gefilte fish, you know how awful Jewish feasts are, and if you know anything about Jewish stereotypes, you can imagine what kind of gifts to expect.

“You’ll never believe the deal I got for those! Mere shekels they were!”

Maybe this year the Jews can get together with the Jehovah’s Witnesses and have their own Anti-Christmas down in someone’s basement and talk about how lame those Christian conformists are with their prototypical holiday celebration.

#4. Retail Workers

Nothing says “Thank you, Jesus, for dying for my sins,” like stepping on the faces of total strangers so you can save 40 bucks on a blu-ray player. ‘Tis the season. But what you’re forgetting is the tragedy behind all of these trampled masses: Someone’s gotta clean that shit up.

Come on guys, if you’re gonna step on her, use her hair as a welcome mat to wipe the blood off of your shoes. Honestly, some people are so inconsiderate.

The life of the retail employee is a sad enough mess to begin with; you ever wonder why Wal-Mart is always hiring? It’s because the suicide rate of retail employees is higher than that of Dashboard Confessional concert-goers. Their entire professional lives consist of letting people yell at them while they help sell things that they couldn’t afford with a month’s pay, and the Christmas season is the run-away diesel at the end of their freeway pileup of a year. They work 60 hours a week, further contributing to the commercialization of what’s supposed to be the holiest day on the Christian calendar while their friends who didn’t waste their high school education enjoy time off from their far more respectable jobs.

Pictured: More respectable job than retail employee

So the next time you’re thinking about yelling at the guy that wouldn’t give you the sale price listed in the week-old ad of a store that doesn’t even exist in that time zone, keep in mind that you’re the jackass that’s ruining his life. Besides, even if he is in the wrong, he’ll probably off himself soon enough, so he’ll get what’s coming to him.

#3. Orphans

What’s more depressing than orphans? Orphans at Christmas time. They have to deal with feeling unloved and rejected by society every minute of their lives. Now imagine their dismay come Christmas morning, as they rush out to the living room to see what treasures await them under the Christmas Stick, only to find a can of dried figs and a pair of their own pajamas re-wrapped in the tear-soaked paper towels they had used the night before.

Look how sad she is. Now kill her dad and take away her teddy bear.

Remember the birthday party analogy we did with the Jews? Well orphans are the kids that didn’t know they weren’t invited to the party and showed up anyway, only to find there wasn’t enough cake or party favors for them, and that nobody there had any interest in associating with them at all. Sure, some of the more religious kids will talk with them out of pity and share the candy they got from the pinata that was smashed open while the orphan was waiting in line to get into the bounce house that they had to deflate before he got his turn, but the fact is, everyone just wishes he would’ve just stayed home with the Jews.

#2. The Grinch

This guy gets a lot of guff for his hatred of Christmas, but I feel it’s fairly justified. The narrator explains that,

“It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all. May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.”

So for starters, he has no one that’s willing to shell out any amount of dough to get him a present, since he’s still wearing shoes that haven’t fit him since puberty. The parents of Whoville are wasting money buying their kids ridiculous combinations of bicycles, horns, and drums, meanwhile The Grinch can’t even get a pair of shoes that allows blood to flow freely to his feet.

Apparently this is what every resident of Whoville aspires to be.

Next, they say his head isn’t screwed on right. Now this could be taken literally or figuratively, but both are perfectly valid reasons to not want to gather in front of a giant tree and sing nonsense. Either he has some sort of physical abnormality which is disrupting the alignment of his head, apparently giving him the ability to rotate it 360 degrees, or he’s suffering from psychological problems, quite likely the result of living a lonely, paranoid existence in a cave atop a cliff. At any rate, what he needs isn’t some Christmas cheer and a nice serving of roast beast, he needs a doctor. Especially with that severe heart condition he’s afflicted by. Truly it’s a miracle he lived long to even develop any feelings for Christmas one way or the other.

#1. Elves

If retail employees have permission to hate Christmas, then elves should be allowed to murder anyone holding a candy cane. Elves are supposed to be wielding bows, killing orcs, and leaping nimbly through woods, not whittling rocking horses for toddlers. But now, due to what I assume was a terrible mass abduction in the forests of Lothlorien, they are enslaved by an obese geriatric who takes all the glory. Not only that, but the work of the elf is getting harder and harder every year. I mean, in the beginning there were only a couple hundred Christian kids who were asking for things like small wooden figurines, and new burlap sacks, but now there are hundreds of millions of kids who all want complex electronic devices. I don’t care how magically-graceful you are, assembling a circuit board by hand is not easy. And to top it all off, they have to live in the north pole. Have you ever been to the north pole? There’s a reason. It sucks.

So there you go. Hopefully this helps puts your miserable holiday experience into perspective so you can stop complaining about how hard it’s been for you to find parking this month. Either that, or you’ll find that you’re on the list, validating your feelings and giving you the right to grind dirt into the eye of one department store Santa per year. But still, take comfort in knowing you’re not an orphan Jew working retail.

Santa Claus. Fat man living with wife at the North Pole. Loves drinking Coke products. Has a love/hate relationship with kids. He’s the sign of the Christmas season and unless you’re luckily blinded for the holidays, you’re going to see a lot of his jolly elfin ass. Honestly, if his smiling face is anywhere other than the tinfoil covering a piece of Christmas chocolate, we can do without the saturation. But somewhere along the line some genius fan fiction writer decided that Santa didn’t have to be the Coke-swilling benevolent elf, and could be decidedly… creepier. Way to play on those bad memories of childhood, writer! Now we have more creepy Santas than we know what to do with, so here’s a sample of some of the best!

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com!

It is that time of year again, boys and girls: the holidays. Time to spend outrageous amounts of money on things for those nearest and dearest to you. These days, even those of us who are relatively well-off don’t have that much to spend. But what if, my friends: what if? What if you were free to drop as much filthy lucre as your grubby heart desired? And not on something sensible like a car or a dishwasher, but something grand and bold and nonsensical? That’s where this list comes in.

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com!

In this episode of Bitter Comics; JT is afraid of getting blown by a fat chick, Terry Michaels thinks if she’s already dead you might as well have sex with her, and Bobby Williams is impressed by Terry Michaels’ philosophy!

The list talked about on this weeks episode can be found Here.

Today we discuss 10 nerd-friendly documentaries that aren’t about how things got made, but about nerdy icons, fandoms, comic artists, comedians, and more, and it would be a damned shame if no one read it. Track these bad boys down!

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com or just click HERE!

Tis the season for giving, for gathering, for growing and geniality. It’s a lovely time of year, and I know a great many of you are just aching to know what games you can pop into the console without upsetting the family’s delicate sensibilities as they sit, stuffed at the dinner table. Well, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is you may not want to use any of those in this list. Good news is hey, it’s the Internet! There’s bound to be at least one poop joke ahead! So go on, get to reading!

To see the list, check out Dorkly.com or just click HERE!

With a colorful career as both adventurers and plumbers that has spanned a whopping 28 years (and counting), the Mario Bros. were bound to make an enemy or two… or two thousand on their innumerable quests to save Princess Peach or the Mushroom Kingdom at large. Each victory meant another villain added to the mustached crusaders’ list of archenemies, and when you take into account the individual henchmen of Bowser, Wart and other despots’ motley armies combined, Mario and Luigi have a rogues gallery larger than that of the average super hero — that’s more animosity than two Italian plumbers can take! While most of these enemies are pretty run-of-the-mill, such as Goombas, Koopa Troopas and Bob-ombs, there’s been plenty of moments throughout the expansive video game series where the Brothers Mario (even Peach and Yoshi) have crossed paths with foes that are too bizarre to even describe or make one wonder what fractured state of mind the character designer was in when creating these monstrosities (and who gave some of them the green-light, for that matter). Take a strange trip down the warp pipe as 10 of the weirdest Super Mario enemies come waddling, swimming and crawling your way! Mamma Mia!

To see the list, check out ToplessRobot.com or just click HERE!

We gamers like to kick off our booties after a rough nine-to-fiver, throw our legs up on our cinderblock table, pick up our controllers, and forget about the real world for just a few hours; to escape into a world where we’re epic heroes assigned with the daunting task of vanquishing pure evil.

But sometimes we open that creepy-looking Pandora’s Box and a springy “nuts in a can” snake pops out instead. We’re suddenly pulled out of the fantasy when we encounter a villain that splits our sides with laughter. Here’s our tribute to some of the most WTF characters in gaming.

To see the list, check out Dorkly.com or just click HERE!